The old me.

I intended to add this up to one of my previous posts, but, I decided to make it a whole new post. So, here it is... No more Romanian this time, I'm a tad lazy today.

EDIT

A long time ago....
No one saw me struggling with life and sin.
I didn't even want to look in the mirror. My eyes seemed so lifeless, I seemed the most imperfect being. My life wasn't that bad, but to me, it was the worst. My mind was malfunctioning.
But... I love to read and sing. This is one of my outlets from anger and depression. Reading, singing, playing guitar and piano, poetry, drawing, art, ART, these are all my outlets. It was my way of dealing with my emotions, and life in general. Art made me happy and calm even if people were bullying me, it gave me a momentary lapse of life. Music was my favorite though, I couldn't live without it. My mp3 player accompanied me everywhere, because I couldn't stand hearing anything that had to do with my pathetic life, even, city sounds. Hahaha, I even had a record time in which I could untangle my headphones! Without music, my temper was even shorter than it normally was, music helped me deal with everything. It was my hope for... something else. A new life. A life where people wouldn't put me down constantly. A life where I could be accepted for who I was, me. 
But then again, I couldn't run. I slowly embraced my inner demons, we were all on the same side. So I started enjoying life in my own, childish way. I even invented my own games! (Because I was alone all the time, duh!) I would sometimes go to some crowded store and point at the ceiling with an awe filled face, just to see what faces people would do. I really enjoyed climbing trees, too. In a world where few people would look at the sky, those tree branches were like an escape route for me, away from the judgmental looks. 
I sometimes wanted to have a pet, too. At least, something that would get me out of my lonely inner world! (My only pet was a turtle, I wanted to make the water in which he stayed a bit warmer, so... I kind of...  ended up boiling the turtle, but that's another story :D) Ha ha, I used to imagine myself as an old lady, playing her guitar all day long, who will end up dying neither single, nor taken, but surrounded by 27 cats. Oh, halcyon days...
I sometimes wished I didn't have to go outside. I hated going to school, but my family was really demanding concerning this issue, so I had no other choice. I was bullied every time I had to do or say something in class, so, I kind of became an overly shy mute girl. I thought I had no reason to live, but I was too much of a coward to do something. 
All I could hear was... ''Weird, Stupid, Mental, Ugly, Worthless''
But nah, they were more imaginative than this, I think I had like 5 nicknames that revolved around the word ''stick'' (laughing). Oh, I know it was childish letting things like that get to me! But I couldn't help it, I was a child after all, their words wormed under my skin and stabbed me like tiny knives. And, unfortunately for me, these people were very much in the majority. So, when people said ''fuck my life'', well, I really meant it. At first, I thought maybe I smelled bad or had a bad breath. But this wasn't the reason. People avoided me and nobody was genuinely interested in me. Until Alex.
I met someone and we became best friends. That was the best thing that happened to me until then. He was my hero. I thought we would remain like that forever, but, we didn't... He died in a car crash, along with his family. I didn't even have the time to say goodbye. It was useless now. My mind went numb. I thought God hated me, because He took the only important thing that I had (but little did I know...) . I didn't know, I wish I knew His plan for me and why did He took Alex so suddenly. I wish I knew, but wishing would have gotten me nowhere. I had to move on eventually. And to move on, I had to let go. And to let go, I had to move on. It was time to let go, and it was ok...
Things started to get better as soon as I got into high school...
But so I assumed.
I thought that, maybe, I could get on with my life pretending to be somebody else.


---more to come---