If you really knew me...

If you really knew me...

You'd know that...

They say that, when you die, life flashes before your eyes.
For my sake.. I hope that doesn't happen to me...

I love gadgets. 

I love music.

I am pretty knowledgeable and inventive, a nerd (I'm an engineer, doh). 

I love games! (mmorpgs, fps, tps, action-adventure rpgs, survival horror, etc) 

I like to look for hidden patterns.

I have some kind of off beat sense of humor.

I smile through the hardest times. 

I often reinvented myself in the past, so now I'm a weird combo, but I like being weird.

I am unpredictable and bohemian, I prefer autonomy.

I do not mind serving others ans I do have trouble saying no, because I'm stupidly naive at times.

I do not enjoy fighting, unless I'm provoked.

I am a good listener and I like to comfort others.

I am not materialistic and I don't like people who are like that.

I am honest. Actually, brutally honest and quick-tempered, but I'm blunt because I want the truth back.

I sometimes say mean things intentionally.

I'm rude because I want to make people laugh. (But I'm not like that, I don't cry for attention, I hate it)

I am prone to verbal rants.

But...

I am a loner. I liek to limit social interaction because it's draining.

I always feel like an outsider. 

I do not like most people. (and I'm sure most people don't like me)

I am suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy. 

So, I like to test people's loyalty.

I get very attached to people once I consider them friends. I prefer weird friends, such as myself. 

I can't express my emotions easily.

I am very shy.

I often feel dejected and better off alone.

I used to seek wholeness through isolation, it never worked. 

I have low self-esteem issues.. 

I suffer of depression and I hardly sleep and eat sometimes.

I dislike my father.

I cry to sleep most of the time but so do a lot of people.
I dislike myself.

I would rather be alone than risk rejection...

I think people would not like me if they really knew me. 

I am afraid to show it when I like someone, ...I hate this

I think I have an aversion to physical contact.

I hate to talk about sex. 

I am always part of the bro-zone.

I am somewhat boyish.

I do not like to be bound by schedules, I'm as lazy as a slug at times and I always forget stupid scheduled appointments.

I'm a slacker!! I do the minimum to get by.

I prefer to do things whenever I think I'm ready.

I think I'm a bit reckless... ok maybe a bit more. 

My ego is a bit too large. I feel like I lose a sense of self when I agree with people hahaha. Nah, not really.

I am politically conservative and kind of old fashioned.

I would sacrifice my life for a good enough cause.

I would rather live in my head than the real world.

Partying is not my cup of cake. (I'd rather watch the stars...)
I think I can sing, but I'm too shy to sing properly in front of others.

People tell me that I'm childish and I really need to grow up. But I don't care!!
I hate that I feel gloomy and distraught frequently.
I'm emotionally numb most of the time. 

Maybe because I know the dark side of life very well... 

I think life is overrated. 

I lost my grandma in 2009. I miss her.
My name is Cat... And I wish it wasn't mine...

I used to cut. But I don't do it anymore.

I wanted to swallow a lot of pills once, but I stopped in time.

Well, that's it. I feel better now. 

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Mmmm? Oamenii mint.

Ochii ți-au fost dați ca un dar al vederii, nu ca

instrumente de judecată.



Sunt fals tocmai pentru că nimeni nu știe ca sunt fals.

Nimeni n-are cum să știe ce simt, decât dacă îmi mișc

buzele în forma a ceva ce pare să fie o scuză penibilă

pentru o anumită reacție de-a mea.

De obicei, oamenii mint.



Dar ce contează... Oamenii ca mine sunt întotdeauna

lăsați în urmă. Nu îmi mai fac de mult timp iluzii cum

că ar fi diferit, oamenii mint, dar cel mai mult pe ei înșiși.

Poate că imaginația m-ar salva dacă aș fi un optimist.

Dar, a trăi în interiorul iadului meu personal, o

imaginație stricată de tot ceea ce aș putea atinge,

m-a distrus încet din interior, ca o rugină a cărnii.

Rugina e atât de puternică încât distruge și orice ating,

fie oameni, situații sau sentimente.



Sistemului meu îi lipsește o piesă materială esențială,

piesă ce necesită suport uman.

De asta, știu că voi rămâne un om stricat pentru totdeauna.

Pentru că oamenii mint,

și eu împreună cu ei.

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Cugetările de la miezul nopții

Am zis mai demult că există mai multă sau mai puțină prostie

în tot ce gândește sau simte un om. Pot să zic, la fel, că

există mai multă sau mai puțină ipocrizie in tot ce gândește

sau simte un om. Majoritatea sentimentelor sunt ipocrite.

Te gândești la celalalt gândindu-te la tine în primul rând.

Deci, toate gândurile trec prin sita propriului tău eu.

Este indeniabil că unele lucruri vor rămâne acolo. Probabil

că adevăratul sacrificiu de sine, împreună cu multe altele.

Ateu cum o fi fost Nietzsche, a zis și el multe adevaruri,

printre care și faptul că „a existat un singur creștin

adevărat în toată istoria, iar noi l-am crucificat”.




Nu mai pot să-mi amintesc de un timp în care știu că am fost

bună la ceva. Zic că nu îmi place mediocritatea, dar oare o

urăsc tocmai din cauza faptului că mă neg pe mine însumi?




La un moment dat, în trecut, m-am întrebat de ce sunt egoistă.

Răspunsul pe care mi l-am dat a fost simplu: măcar eu să mă

gândesc la mine însumi intâi, dacă altă persoană nu o face.

Singuraticul iși va depăși cu greu firea de egoist notoriu.



Unwanted



Partea bună atunci când dai cu piciorul la tot este că știi

că nu mai ai nimic de pierdut. Frica de eșec dispare și ea.

Partea proastă este orice mai rămâne în urmă. Totul.



It all turns good when our eyes turn blind.



A new body, but nobody...



Endless

I took you in my hands,

Like cupping a butterfly,

Confined.

You left beautiful colorful dust when you left.

Stained with memories.

But it wasn't enough.

Now it's too late.

The sun will set up sooner though.

Every minute can be the last,

To say goodbye as a hello.

Maybe I will outlast tomorrow,

But maybe today is already too late.

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What does such an useless person like myself deserve?
She received too much anyway.

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It stung.

That was the only thing my mind processed as the harsh words pierced my ears.

Frustration...

Another lost friend.
Jesus loves me, so you don't need to do it anymore, am I right?

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The new me.

If there is an old me, there must be a new me, as well.
So, here I am.

EDIT

I love God. He brought me out of my depressive pits of darkness and showed me His love and light. Jesus was the one who wasn't afraid of hanging out with the people who weren't desired by the society, but, moreover, He showed them the Way, the Truth and the Life and He loved them more than anything.
I was a shadow dweller, but now I am a child of light. But I thank God for letting me be that way, because I came to know the shadows, the world that is so far away from God's holy plan, lost, hellbound, full of lost people, in complete denial. Now, I need God to put an armor on me, so the new me would not react with my old nature anymore, I need to shield myself from the fiery darts of my old thoughts.
But, becoming a Christian, I am still saddened. You know... the most damaging of rejections is not in the hands of society. It rests in the hands of Christians. In a place where hope and LOVE are the focus, you would expect to find a safe heaven, a hospital that treats the spiritually wounded. But, for those who dare to stand from among the crowd, a different reaction is received. These people search for hope, but find it withheld, and they are shunned. A lot of our brothers and sisters in the Lord are blinded by the fact that not all of us fit into the Christian Cookie Cutter Mold they believe we should fit into. We are all unique and God uses those individual qualities in us to reach others like us. DO NOT judge on the outward appearance, it is not right...
"For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'' (1 Samuel 16:7)
But I thank God for this, too. I now know the pain and hurt of rejection, just like Jesus did. But He forgave everyone, and that's what I do, too. God will deal with them, because God approves me. And when I feel weak, I can go to Jesus and tell Him whatever is on my heart concerning this whole ordeal and then turn it over to Him. I leave it there, with Him, at the cross.
What should YOU do?
Despite popular beliefs, not all punks are rebellious or anarchists. Not all emos or Goths are involved in the occult. As a matter of fact, these groups are composed of such diverse individuals that they will constantly defy your labels. They can be rich, poor, or middle class. There is no set religion in either group, but many of those in each are, in fact, followers of the Lord Jesus Christ. There are musicians, painters, writers and plumbers. They can be introverted or extroverted, loyal friends or social butterflies. To slap a label on them relinquishes the opportunity to learn of different lifestyles. 
Also, DON'T try to change them. Only God can do that. You cannot determine beauty for them. Beauty is not necessarily what you think it is. A beautiful life is born out of the particularities and the inclinations that a man has and the active practice of them - here is the complacency. The idea of fulfillment outlines the BEAUTIFUL man, but, it is placed in parallel, in the most inappropriate way, with the idea of freedom, which leads (FALSE!!) to fulfillment. Freedom is necessary, but not suficient. The modern contemporary perceives it as sufficient and he's fighting with ardor (only) for her. The result is then inevitable and we get some crippled forms of freedom: libertinism, individualism, megalomania. The reason of freedom is not freedom. Although apparently, freedom is perceived as an accomplishment, people forget that our freedom ends when the freedom of the other person begins. Here is the principle of preserving freedom. And, the final form of freedom is the freedom through God. Because, if we walk in His law, we will be free. Without law, there wouldn't be any justice, so, we wouldn't have any freedom whatsoever without Him, because everyone would impose his own law. You see, beauty reveals the harmony between people. A man cannot set an example unless he has the ability to create and sustain a harmonious relationship with any of the people around him and thus within himself - becoming through others in order to become himself.
In all interactions with different people, reader, please remember one thing. You are the ''little Christs'' by name. How you treat others will reflect either positively or negatively on Christ's own face. You are the visualization of Jesus to the world. Behave well and love the others, without judging.


------more to come--------

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The old me.

I intended to add this up to one of my previous posts, but, I decided to make it a whole new post. So, here it is... No more Romanian this time, I'm a tad lazy today.

EDIT

A long time ago....
No one saw me struggling with life and sin.
I didn't even want to look in the mirror. My eyes seemed so lifeless, I seemed the most imperfect being. My life wasn't that bad, but to me, it was the worst. My mind was malfunctioning.
But... I love to read and sing. This is one of my outlets from anger and depression. Reading, singing, playing guitar and piano, poetry, drawing, art, ART, these are all my outlets. It was my way of dealing with my emotions, and life in general. Art made me happy and calm even if people were bullying me, it gave me a momentary lapse of life. Music was my favorite though, I couldn't live without it. My mp3 player accompanied me everywhere, because I couldn't stand hearing anything that had to do with my pathetic life, even, city sounds. Hahaha, I even had a record time in which I could untangle my headphones! Without music, my temper was even shorter than it normally was, music helped me deal with everything. It was my hope for... something else. A new life. A life where people wouldn't put me down constantly. A life where I could be accepted for who I was, me. 
But then again, I couldn't run. I slowly embraced my inner demons, we were all on the same side. So I started enjoying life in my own, childish way. I even invented my own games! (Because I was alone all the time, duh!) I would sometimes go to some crowded store and point at the ceiling with an awe filled face, just to see what faces people would do. I really enjoyed climbing trees, too. In a world where few people would look at the sky, those tree branches were like an escape route for me, away from the judgmental looks. 
I sometimes wanted to have a pet, too. At least, something that would get me out of my lonely inner world! (My only pet was a turtle, I wanted to make the water in which he stayed a bit warmer, so... I kind of...  ended up boiling the turtle, but that's another story :D) Ha ha, I used to imagine myself as an old lady, playing her guitar all day long, who will end up dying neither single, nor taken, but surrounded by 27 cats. Oh, halcyon days...
I sometimes wished I didn't have to go outside. I hated going to school, but my family was really demanding concerning this issue, so I had no other choice. I was bullied every time I had to do or say something in class, so, I kind of became an overly shy mute girl. I thought I had no reason to live, but I was too much of a coward to do something. 
All I could hear was... ''Weird, Stupid, Mental, Ugly, Worthless''
But nah, they were more imaginative than this, I think I had like 5 nicknames that revolved around the word ''stick'' (laughing). Oh, I know it was childish letting things like that get to me! But I couldn't help it, I was a child after all, their words wormed under my skin and stabbed me like tiny knives. And, unfortunately for me, these people were very much in the majority. So, when people said ''fuck my life'', well, I really meant it. At first, I thought maybe I smelled bad or had a bad breath. But this wasn't the reason. People avoided me and nobody was genuinely interested in me. Until Alex.
I met someone and we became best friends. That was the best thing that happened to me until then. He was my hero. I thought we would remain like that forever, but, we didn't... He died in a car crash, along with his family. I didn't even have the time to say goodbye. It was useless now. My mind went numb. I thought God hated me, because He took the only important thing that I had (but little did I know...) . I didn't know, I wish I knew His plan for me and why did He took Alex so suddenly. I wish I knew, but wishing would have gotten me nowhere. I had to move on eventually. And to move on, I had to let go. And to let go, I had to move on. It was time to let go, and it was ok...
Things started to get better as soon as I got into high school...
But so I assumed.
I thought that, maybe, I could get on with my life pretending to be somebody else.


---more to come---

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